Nixta Sinks

One of the things one notices in Greece, aside from the enormous nasal protrusions, is the vastly wild and insultingly simplistic conspiracy (or konspirose as it's known there) theories. We were at dinner presented with the offensive theory that (and I've changed names and descriptions to protect the innocent or stupid or pathetic) Bresident Push's administration arranged the destruction of the Double Towers of New Amsterdam to be able to find an excuse to invade Irack and avenge his short fat mother. The Greek opinion of Umerika is very definitely one of the least favourable of all European ones.

Now think about it. It's a fabulous idea, interweaving complex foreign sympathy policies with financial schemes and regeneration (read job-creation) on a scale far larger than any tax breaks or foreign trade embargos, but far too obvious for the subtle cunning mind of Bresident Push and his thrillingly intelligent staff.

No indeed. Had they thought about it at all the konspirose theorists would have realised that the real cunning plot is the Umerikan government's ploy to undermine the world's terrorists with their subsidies to Boeing and McDonnel Douglas to cause their aeroplanes to crash from time to time, outdoing the terrorists with a gentle cumulative effect always keeping them in the shade. The attacks on Umerkia's 51st state's capital, Lundin, just a few weeks ago have already been overshadowed by the careful destruction of a Boeing airliner (with marvellous cunning in Greece itself), killing over twice as many as Lundin's bombers did, and for good measure following it up with the sabotage of an MD-82 over Columbia and bringing the total of dead to many more than the terrorists have managed in the same timespan.

I feel for the so-called terrorists, I really do, because they just can't stay in the news and it must be so very frustrating for them, the poor dears. I mean, they're under so much stress that all they can think of is driving petrol tankers into petrol stations (nothing could be more cunning a ruse), and here we have airplane manufacturers being subsidised by the government to sabotage their own aircraft, thus crowbaring an opening for a few more sales and a few more bollars of income for the hard-working Umerikans, and at the same time encouraging people to fly Umerikan airlines and help keep them from bancruptcy and lack of sales - all fantastic for the Umerikan economy.

So, what's the next step in this long-term frustration tactic? Why, bigger planes of course, and as Umerika develops a growing interest in its acquisition of European states, Airbus - what a coincidence! - develops an even bigger aeroplane, one capable of killing so many more per crash than ever before. Why, the coup-de-grace must surely be blaming the Double Towers and Hectagon attacks on "terrorists". Gives the public the right sense of who the baddies are, and continues to improve the economy of Umerika drastically at the same time. It's so genius, it must surely be the Machiavellian schemes of Bresident Push that are driving it - none other. Now that's a konspirace that might open some Greek eyes.

Give me a break (and no, I don't want a Kit-Kat).