Nixta Sinks

Check out Wallstrip, a daily viddiezine (no doubt they'll tolchock me in the yarbles for describing them so) on the US stock market, presented by my lovely friend, The Lindsay, of Campbell fame... The Campbells of course are a vile clan, and ever enemies of the McIntyres, but that doesn't stop me perving at their women, gallivanting and causing mischief with their men, and adoring their children. Oh, and as an added bonus, they just did a piece on Nike, visiting A-Life Rivington.

No more pedos

It struck me today that when I first moved to America over ten years ago I had two very great yet now evidently utterly unreasonable fears of the country. The first was that I would be arrested for Jaywalking [read that link and realise why I left Denver]. The second was that I would be arrested for consentual shenanegans subsequently being passed off as rape. I know. It sounds totally insane, but there had been many cases in the news just prior to my move which seemed to indicate the young women of America were on a warpath, eagerly denying culpability for having a good time when drunk in exchange for some sort of remuneration. Two entirely unreasonable fears of a new country.

I'm over the second fear. American women my age were either insane, devious, divorced, cross-eyed, or the result of a misguided communion of foghorn and wilderbeast. Just like the men. None of them seemed remotely likely to bait and switch. Most of them were medicated one way or another already. Just like the men. Very occasionally a perfectly sane one came along. Really, just the same as anywhere else in the world.

The second fear just faded to the back of my mind. I thought I was over it.

Then, when I was last in New York I found myself jaywalking and I was petrified. I realised that I'd spent the last ten years unable to cross the street without checking for the police. I realised that I didn't know what the actual laws were, and as I was crossing the road clutching my phone a police van waiting at the intersection started in at me. They yelled at me over the megaphone: "Sir. You are not allowed to hold your phone whilst Jaywalking". I jumped and looked at the van, but they weren't looking at me. "SIR. You are NOT allowed to hold your phone whilst Jaywalking". I wandered who else might be jaywalking and took a good look around me. Then I realised they were looking at the car next to their van. "Sir. You are not allowed use your phone whilst driving. Did you know that?" Then and only then, having been scared half witless and then thoroughly confused as a result, it slowly dawned on me that the cops were yelling at some fool in the car next to them yapping on his phone at the lights, and that a deep-seated paranoia had interpreted the crackling megaphone quite incorrectly. I put my phone back in my pocket and trundled home, careful only to cross at green crosswalks. If you know a good therapist, I'm open to suggestions.

Defra: Toiletstanders

I've been spending some time down in Guildford of late. More than I'd like to really, but it's the culmination of a piece of work that's taken far too long, caused far too much pain, and has raised far too many issues. On my trips down there, I have been fascinated by the sign each and every men's cubicle has taped up on the inside of the door.

It raises two questions:
1) How does someone who gets the apostrophe right in "you'd" spell "facility" wrong?
2) Of all the warnings to make to adult users of toilets in a government facility, what has gone on in that place in the past to ensure that "do not stand on the toilet seat" is the warning of choice?

The mind boggles. People stand on toilets for two reasons. Either to hide from some monster/murderer in a movie, or to perve over the top at the person in the next cubicle. One of those options is much more likely than the other. I wonder if all civil-service facilities are the same...

They didn't even have signs like that up at my school, which is frankly the first place I'd have expected to see them.

As a bonus question though, what state do you actually "expect" to find an office toilet in? A recent conversation overheard at my offices seemed to imply that women's toilets were kept rather clean. Evidence from my visits to the men's toilets in the same building leave one wondering at how you can dress hogs up to look like such convincing humans, and exactly what powers their bowels. It's a misery of a mystery.

Vapid Void of VVachovvski Vomit suffers from ceramic acting and insipid dialog. This perfect follow-up to the two Matrix sequels is as shit, unimaginative, immature, wasteful, misguided, misdirected and miswritten as just about anything I've seen. Except perhaps the two Matrix sequels. It's left me permanently soft-cocked for cinema. Even Viagra probably won't help. 5/10

I've seen so many shit films of late it's not funny. I'm now looking forward more than ever to Casino Royale, especially after The Sun's review.

There's more than just an L and R missing with this stupid spoilt whore. But apparently I've been an ignorant fool. The idiocy is spreading.

I realise this must be old news, but please.

Seems that finally word is spreading about the good work we've been doing for the past few years, going mainstream and the subject of a damning report (why are reports always damning?). It doesn't specifically mention any projects, so there may be a still-more-specific report yet to come.

Utterly unrelatedly, thanks to YBNBY I have discovered that there are only two of me in the US, unless you use my nickname (BOOM BOOM!) in which case there are none of me. Interestingly, my name *and* nickname are male exclusives (I was not expecting my nickname to exhibit that quality). However, of the millions of Johns in the country, only a paltry 99.63% are male, leaving a somewhat unbelievable 18,218 female Johns roaming the US. Maybe they make up a large proportion of the burgeoning transvestite population out there.

In sad news for my wife though (a big fan of Johnny Cash and desperate proponent of naming our first son Sue) there are no men named Sue. I find that just as odd as there being over 18 thousand Johnettes, if not odder. Maybe now that JC's dead the next census will uncover a couple of Sue-boys. There are some pretty awful videos of that song on YouTube and I refuse to link to them. One of them stars Tiawanese primary-school children having tremendous fun acting. But some of them could have been named Su. I hope they weren't scarred by the occidental ridicule.

It's 3 weeks since my last post, and 3 weeks since my birthday, and I still have nothing to say. It's too depressing and too much. See HowItHappened and TheShermanFoundation for more details. If you don't get it from those wankers, you don't deserve to get it at all.